Loving Your Body

I have been told by friends and family that I can no longer discuss orgasm, and I am ready to wrap up this important topic. I am happy that talking about this has made so many people uncomfortable (the faithful and those on more "sex-friendly" paths), but am surprised as well.

I am almost 60, and I think some people are disturbed that someone my age is talking about this stuff. Discussions among mixed (male/female) groups produce uncomfortable squirming among the ladies, then unexplained, abrupt, departure. Groups of men are more at ease and usually have bemused, then coarse reactions, but then orgasm is a given for men, and we've been lying about our feats of endurance to each other in locker-rooms since we were 14. We have said it all and heard it all.

I am now seen as even more odd than I was seen before, and it has been made clear to me that the subject is not appropriate in most group settings. I am concerned that it is not a topic discussed by many people ever, especially by those in the faith.

I used to love my body. For years, I was lean and quick. I was nimble and sensuous. I liked to watch myself in the mirror. I am old and fat now; bloated by years of prescription medicine and bad choices regarding exercise and diet. I don't look in the mirror much these days. I feel like a whale mostly, which does nothing for my desirability quotient.

I discovered nudity in the day: in the middle of my LSD blitz; having brushed the sky with Zen gurus in San Francisco. I came back to Boston the summer of 1969, ready to teach the masses. I would have never known how liberating being nude in front of people was if the group that sought me out in my bed in Cambridge hadn't found me. I had no clothes; I invited them in anyway - and the crowds grew bigger; the frequency of gatherings increased; the venue changed. I got out of my bed but not into my clothes.

This is the sort of freedom I wish for those blanching about discussing orgasm. For those with multiple sexual partners, I invite you to the variety of sex available with one partner, IF YOU WANT IT. Monagamy is about more than one issue, but sexual boredom does not have to be a deal maker, if you will pursue orgasm and epiphany with your partner.

Married Christians - you have so many obstacles to sexual freedom. First, you have to want it and not fear it. I had dinner with a friend last night, who told me he feared that igniting his passion might lead him into a state where his released sexual appetite caused him to desire women other than his wife.

What happens in 20 years when he concludes that it is his wife, not his fear, that led him into sexual frustration and apathy?

What have I missed, he then asks?

No. Why have you missed it, I want to know?

Because you didn't buy a copy of the illustrated Kama Sutra?

No, because you never sat down and talked about what gives your wife and you pleasure. Because you thought if you knew too much and got too good at the craft of lovemaking,
you would be vulnerable to wander from your family. We don't resist temptation by avoiding the possibility of being tempted. Being sexually frustrated by the reality of other options is best taken care of in the bedroom, where you bring everything together: the best craft, the most ambitious exercises; love, commitment, trust, desire for something beyond great, curiosity, patience, forgiveness. The fruit of the Spirit present in lovemaking - what a concept.

I wish we could get it right. I wish that Christian couples could stay in bed all day, making love and meeting each other's deepest needs and not feel guilty about it.

"But I have more important things to do."

That's the problem in a nutshell.

I say get the lotions; the Kama Sutra; sex toys (available on line); condoms (as birth control if no other precautions are being taken); Barry White, Al Green, Marvin Gaye Cd's ; farm the kids out; put no trespassing signs on the door; turn off all electronic devices, unplug land lines and get to it.

By the way, honesty and openness can lead to hard issues, among them erectile dysfunction, frigidity, premature ejaculation, the size of the equipment - all of which can be dealt with in various ways. Vitamins, medicine, therapy, hypnotism, surgery, to name a few. There is no problem you can't overcome together. That together is the center of it all. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and orgasm and epiphany is worthwhile. I think most Christian couples understand the concept of God revealing Himself (epiphany), but fewer share orgasm, and if you can't share it, what's the point?

You could be masturbating in the shower.

Someone has to say it. Why not a 60 year old grandfather?